Tuesday, May 04, 2004

The Scientific Method applied to kolaches

As a photojournalist, I have a Bachelor of Science degree (instead of a B. of Art). Therefore I understand the scientific method. Also, photojournalists have insatiable curiosities. Therefore we want to test concepts for validity. As a dieter, I also have an occasional insatiable binge feeding frenzy.

This time, I used controlled science to predict the results of a really bad sugar fest. I knew exactly how much weight I would gain. This takes playing with your food to the next level.

This week I didn’t have time to eat. When I did, I limited it to salad and oranges with one can of tuna per day. I kept my calories under 700 and ran more than two miles each morning for three days in a row and lost more than a pound per day.

Saturday, I covered the regional track and field competition in Waco. On my way home, I had to go through West, Texas (land of the dreaded kolaches).
All the way home, they sang “We’re kolaches, and we want to be eaten, we’re kolaches, and we want to be eaten...” (in three-part harmony). But, I was good and resisted.

The next day, I decided science required me to take action. If weight is lost by limiting the number of calories consumed, then weight must subsequently be gained by increasing the same caloric intake.

For scientific purposes, I ate the box of kolaches.

Then I went to the Cottonwood Art Festival and ate some gyros, funnel cakes, and drank some wine (another variable I’m testing). You know – just to make sure the hypothesis had maximum opportunity to succeed.

My theory was supported by the results of this highly scientific test. I gained weight. Now, I am back to the controlled phase of the experiment. I plan to continue this regimen until I achieve the desired ending weight.

Then, I will try the ultimate reverse process. A dozen key lime pie Krispy Kreme donuts. According to the theory, each donut is 330 calories. Therefore 12 would equal 3,960, and I should gain 0.3 pounds of fat for the day -- just from the donuts. Any additional intake calories (feeding frenzy items) are immediately calculable as fat before a nice nap. Mathematically, it is (2907-[total daily calories])/3500.

Then, I can start the process again.

Enough for now,

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